What I learned in my first year of being a parent
Tomorrow, CHARLIE TURNS ONE!
Bringing a child into this world is absolutely magical AND it is also a lot of work, there is a steep learning curve — you will never be the same, your marriage will never be the same, and your life will never be the same. You are going to change so much AND not at all, at the same time.
Becoming a parent instantly expands your capacity for dealing with utter anarchy, whilst somehow keeping it all together, because regardless of the absolute chaos of a day, week, or month… somehow… SOMEHOW?!?!!? you wake up, it’s a new day, and you do it again. And again. And again. And then, you look up, and you’re like “Holy shit, it’s been a year.”
If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from this year it’s this: “If you want to make God laugh, make plans.” You can white-knuckle the plan, OR you can release the grip you have on the plan, and lean in to the extraordinary gift, journey, and surprises that parenthood has in store for you.
Whatever you choose, just know… It will be the right choice for you! Today I wrote about some of my choices in the first year of being a parent, what I learned, and what I wished someone had told me before heading into motherhood.
It’s the most extraordinary human experience you can have during your time on earth. I read this “I don’t love my children because what they are, I love them because they are” and I didn’t get it until I was a parent. Charlie is and therefore I love her. I love her with a love that I’ve actually never felt before. I never expected to be the person that would tell my non-parent friends “I only wish that you will feel this feeling some day” but I truly believe this is one of the richest, deepest, most human experiences one can have. It only sounds crazy until you experience it. I only wish for the people I love most, that one day they get to experience this love. Having a child has made me definitively believe in God. A baby is God’s greatest gift.
You are this baby’s number one human, just because you are. Your baby doesn’t care what you look like, the condition of your home, what kind of car you drive, or how much is in your bank account. All they know, is you are their human, and when their little face lights up for no other reason than the fact that you exist, time stands still. You are their world. Take that responsibility seriously. Be safe. Wear your seatbelt. Drive slower. Be vigilant. Be aware of your surroundings. Take precaution. It bears repeating — You are their world.
You’ll never be more exhausted, overwhelmed, and yet, happy in your life. Bringing a child into this world is absolutely magical AND it is also a lot of work, there is a steep learning curve — you will never be the same, your marriage will never be the same, and your life will never be the same. When making big decisions in life and business, I often ask myself “How reversible is this decision? Is it a one-way door, or a two-way door?” Having a baby is a one-way door. There is no going back the other direction, so take it seriously. On the other side of that door will be the purest, sweetest, most incredible human being you will ever meet, and they will need you. They will need you in ways you’ve never been needed before, and this requires you to expand into a new, more self-less version of you. They need you to feed them, bathe them, change their soiled diapers, clothe them, help them understand sleep, play, kindness, sadness, fear, frustration, and so much more. It is magical. And it is a lot of work.
You’ll never feel more seen. Your baby is a mirror that reflects back to you your behaviors, preferences, nervous system, and energy. A baby is a sponge picking up everything you offer them in terms of environment, interactions, etc. What you model, they model back to you. That’s not to discredit their nature, or their temperament, but a vast majority of their behaviors are simply a direct reflection of your interactions with them, your partner, and the rest of the world. Ask yourself, what behaviors am I modeling? And If my child were to participate in these behaviors more often than not, would they be better off or worse off for it? We all want the best for our children, but oddly enough, that means we have to DO the best for ourselves. If there is an area of your life where you need to make changes so you give your child the best chance at a healthy, happy life, make those changes. Don’t wait. Do. Because what you do, they will do.
You are the adults, and you make the rules. Everyone has a different take on what it is to be a parent and what the expectations are of you. From the decision to breast-feed or bottle feed, to the choice to co-sleep or sleep-train, to whether or not you are ‘allowed’ to take a vacation without your baby, or put them in daycare and go back to work (and like it!), one thing is for damn sure, there is an abundance of opinions out there. Here’s what I want you to know: you are the adult, and you make the rules. You do what is right for you, your family, and your baby. And you know who is the best person to make those calls? You. For us: Charlie slept in her crib in her own room on night one. She seems to be fine with it and I like it. So it works for us. In the mornings, she gets to come into our bed and snuggle and often she falls back asleep and so do we. It’s great! I breastfed Charlie for four months. I also pumped, used formula when we needed it, and even asked the nurse to feed her donor milk when we were in the hospital because it seemed she was hungry and not getting what she needed from me. Ronnie and I decided daycare was the best path for us. Charlie’s been in daycare since she was four months and we’ve loved the whole experience and so has she! Ronnie and I have gone on a few multi-night vacations without Charlie this year — an anniversary trip downtown Chicago, a ski trip to Sun Valley, an engagement party trip to NYC, a trip to the Olympics in Paris, and a trip to Napa for a wedding. We do not feel guilty for taking time away for the two of us to be together, or with friends. We are eternally grateful to our families for helping us by watching Charlie. In fact, I’ve told many friends that these trips away have felt like ‘nervous system resets’ for me, allowing me to fill my own cup and come back a better spouse and better mom. We also travel with Charlie — often! We make it no big deal, and in turn, she makes it no big deal, she sleeps well on the go and we always have her favorite toys in tow. We bring her out to nice restaurants and she enjoys whatever food we’re eating with us, this year she’s tried cuisines from around the world and currently has no indications of preferences nor refuses anything. She chills at the table and we share with her. We make it no big deal, and she makes it no big deal. We are the adults, we make the rules. You get to make your own rules too. I’d encourage you to ask yourself: what are some of the values I have, experiences I love, or aspects of my life and marriage which I am not willing to give up when becoming a parent? Then, get creative about how you keep those things in your life while integrating your baby.
Create space to experience the little magic of every day. It’s okay to slow down, it’s okay to have a no plan-plan. It’s okay for the biggest thing you do in a day to be blowing bubbles and watching your child’s eye’s light up because bubbles are magical. It’s okay to let your child lead you to discovering how spectacular even the littlest things in life are. Whether it’s tasting foods for the first time, discovering feet for the first time, touching textures, or smelling smells, take time in the first year to just be and observe and allow yourself to be carried away by the little magic in every day discoveries. Create space to discover the world again through your child’s eyes. It’s a pretty magical time for you and for your baby.
You are going to change so much AND not at all, at the same time. Before you have a kid, you’re like “life will never be the same, and I will never be the same” and don’t get me wrong, I do think I’ve changed a lot since having Charlie. That being said, I thought I would change more. I thought perhaps my wants, my desires, my aspirations would change after bringing her into this world. In many ways they have, but in many ways they haven’t. I want to be her foundation, her rock, I want to succeed so I can lift her up and create every opportunity in this world for her to leap from my shoulders. I’ve always been ambitious, the ambition hasn’t left, it’s the who my ambition and work ethic serves that has. It’s not for me, it’s for Charlie. It’s all for the bigger purpose of giving her every opportunity I can afford her in life.
People want to help you, for real. Let them. If you’re one of those people who takes a lot on and tries not to ask for help, this can be a really challenging adjustment. But one thing I can’t undo about being a parent, is sometimes you are simply going to NEED help. You won’t be able to do it all — coordinate logistics, work, deal with a sick baby, take care of a plumbing issue at home, and get the dog to the vet. You just can’t. If someone is offering to bring you dinner, hold your baby, or anything else, it’s okay to be like “You know, that would be amazing, thank you so much.”
It’s okay to let your kiddo experience a little bit of adversity. I’m not talking neglect or harm, but adversity, yes. Your baby is going to take a few tumbles, your baby is going to bump their head, your baby might get bitten by another kid, or pull something off a table onto themselves. Your job isn’t to prevent any little thing from happening. It is to keep them out of major harms’ way. I’ve been in consumer market research a large majority of my career and when you research first time moms versus moms with multiple children at home, they operate very differently. Many first time moms get SO torn up about a bump, bruise, or scratch. Moms with three children at home may not be able to tell you where the bump, bruise, or scratch even came from or how long it’s been there. The best way for children to learn and grow is through experience. It’s okay to allow them to experience calculated adversity and not beat yourself up about a bruise. It won’t be the last one they get. Let’s normalize a little bit of adversity, it leads to resilience.
Just buy new clothes. I actually did have a friend tell me this and I love her for it. I hoped, wished, and worked out since they cleared me about 8-12 weeks post-partum, but good damn has it been a challenge to get my body in shape (notice how I didn't say “get my body back” that’s intentional. It’s ridiculous to think that a pre-baby body and a post-baby body could be the same, you’re older, wiser, far less self-centered and you literally created life inside your womb). Instead of focusing on “getting my body back” I’ve been focusing on getting strong, strong enough to never have to say no to anything that Charlie wants me to do because I can’t physically do it. And as I focus and hold the vision for how strong I want to get, I’ve bought new clothes to fit me, instead of forcing myself to fit old clothes and feeling bad when I don’t.
Don’t leave home without an extra set of clothes, and snacks/bottle. On the topic of clothes, your baby is one spit up or poop away from ruining your outfit and hers at all times. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT leave home without an extra set of clothes for both you and baby. In addition to this, cardinal rule of parenting a <1 year old, also bring an extra bottle with you wherever you go. Plans change, you stay out longer than you think, and your baby is going to get hungry. A hungry baby is an unhappy baby, plan ahead and bring an extra bottle.
Let go of your perfectionist tendencies and routines. I used to be NO EXCUSES INBOX ZERO. I also used to be NO EXCUSES BED IS MADE. Now, I am more like, more often than not I get my inbox to zero, but I don’t beat myself up about it if they day calls for more flexibility from me. The bed on the other hand, it gets made as often as I can. If you’re a working mom, chances are you won’t be able to do it all, there is simply not enough time. Let it go, you’ll be okay.
Don’t blink. Country songs cut straight to the heart. Don’t be surprised if one comes on the radio or your Spotify alg one day and you immediately well up into a puddle of tears. There’s a Kenny Chesney song called Don’t Blink that I’ve always loved, but the lyrics have never rang more true. The days go slow, the year flies by. Your baby is going to become SO much during this first year and it’s going to be over faster than you realize. Cherish the moments, even the tough ones, because you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss the infant sounds. You’re going to miss the nap traps. You’re going to miss the feeling of your baby clinging to you when they are in your arms. You’re going to miss when they were just a little loaf that couldn’t walk or crawl. You’re going to miss when they were learning to walk and looked like a little drunk baby wobbling and falling every few steps. You’re going to miss their little chunky feet and tiny human giggle. All of it!!! So take videos, write things down so you can remember, and literally try to enjoy even the tough days.
I am sure there is more advice too, in fact, I’ve written a few articles about our first year here, here, here, here, and here, but I’ll leave you with this:
You are the adult you make the rules. Set intentions about how you want to be as a parent, how you and your partner want to raise this tiny human, and what’s most important to you, as you grow into this new identity. AND don’t be surprised if it all changes, if the rule book gets thrown out the window, if the experience is completely unexpected… It’s your journey. You can white-knuckle the plan, OR you can release the grip you have on the plan, and lean in to the extraordinary gift, journey, and surprises that parenthood has in store for you. Whatever you choose, just know… It will be the right choice for you! You know best. You always have, you always will. You got this.
