The Key to A Successful Life

When I was in my twenties I was hyper-focused on being successful. I wanted a big job, a big income, and I wanted people to think “Wow, look at her, she’s successful.” As a result, I set goals, I achieved them, and then I set new goals, and I achieved those too. In fact, I even wrote a book about setting and achieving goals for ambitious women like me.

Then one day, I woke up exhausted. Exhausted, and out of goals. A good problem to have, I know. I out-kicked my own coverage.

You could read this and think, “humble brag” or something else, but the fact of the matter is, for those of us who are the A+ students, achievers, driven by some deeper thing (that TBH we probably should to go to therapy for), this is our reality. If you’re reading this, and nodding along, my guess is you’re probably a lot like me.

So, there I was, exhausted, out of goals to set, and frustrated because I still didn’t feel “successful.” And that’s when it dawned on me: “Successful” was completely, and utterly arbitrary. And because I had never taken the time to define what successful meant to me, or what it meant to have a successful life, I was destined to feel frustrated at not having become “successful” for eternity. No way to live!

In order to get off the achievement treadmill and onto success trail, you need to ask yourself one question.

You see, achieving big goals made me feel good, but the feel good feelings were fleeting. Like hitting a milestone on the treadmill. It feels good to see that you ran 1 mile, then 2, then 3. But each mile comes and goes, and you could theoretically run, collecting milestones for the rest of eternity.

When I started to diagnose what it felt like to set and achieve goals, I consistently felt a mild sense of accomplishment, and then would move right along to the next goal, it felt like what could only be described as “the achievement treadmill.” I worked hard, worked my ass off in fact, but never actually felt like I got anywhere. I hit hard-earned life and career milestones, and yet found myself completely unsatiated, running endlessly forward to the next milestone, but still… no closer to “successful.”

“Get off the treadmill” said the voice inside me one night, as I laid awake pondering this very predicament. “But how???”

And it was in this meditative wondering that I arrived at this: in order to get off the achievement treadmill, I would have to define what success meant to me and put myself on the path to success instead.

Maybe you’re sitting here wondering, “What’s the difference between setting ambitious goals and having a clear definition of what a successful life is to you?”

How do you define what living a “Successful life” means to you?

Well to me, goals are specific, time-bound and externally measurable. You (and everyone else) knows when you have achieved them (or not). A successful life, on the other hand, can only be weighed by the hands of the beholder. For example, a goal might be: “I want to get married.” But a successful life would be defined by “I receive love and give love deeply in my life.” Another goal could be: “I want to be the CEO of a Multi-National Company.” But a successful life would be defined by: “I pursue challenges which require me to apply myself and grow in new ways, every day.”

You get the picture.

Goals keep you shackled to the achievement treadmill, racing endlessly towards the next milestone. A definition of success, on the other hand, specifies a magnetic north for your inner compass to be pulled towards endlessly into the future.

In just this simple exercise of providing yourself with a definition of success, you change the meaning you give life from one that is measured by the achievement of goals, to one that can only be weighed and felt in your heart.

By pursuing feelings, you give yourself the opportunity to feel those feelings in new ways, and deeper ways with each passing day, and season. Perhaps the feelings of “pursuing challenges which require me to apply myself and grow in new ways, every day” in your twenties means learning things you didn’t know about, while in your thirties its more about figuring out how to integrate work and life, versus in your forties it’s about re-invention and taking on new challenges… With your magnetic north turned on, and your compass pointed towards “pursuing challenges which require me to apply myself and grow in new ways, every day” you are now both 1) free yourself of the external measuring system and achievement treadmill, and 2) have created the opportunity to feel successful regardless of how far you’ve made it down the success trail, or what fork in the path you’ve come to.

And unlike the lonely, monotonous, ever-the-same achievement treadmill, the promise of the trail to a success, ensures you will be witness to the changing seasons of life, ensure you have a hand to hold if you need it, and ensure that if you’re tired, you can take a seat, heck, even set up camp, for as long as it serves your need for rest and recovery.

“Success” will feel different to all of us.

Upon this realization, and after a few days of reflection, I sat myself down, opened my journal and wrote at the top of it… “How will I define a successful life?” And you know what? This was really stinking hard. So instead of writing my definition of success for myself / my life, you know what I did? I wrote it for my best friend instead.

I wrote:

• I wish that you always have your health, your giggle, your creativity, your sense of adventure, and your smile.

• I wish that you will find a community of people one day that love you as much as I do, and that you will experience big, big love, and cherish it.

• I wish that you will spend your days doing things that make you feel like your life has a sense of purpose, and that you feel fulfilled when you lie your head to rest.

• I wish for you that you have a home that keeps you warm in the cold, cool in the heat, and allows you to express yourself in whatever ways make you happiest.

• I wish that you will leave the world a better place than you found it, in only the ways that you, my wonderful girl, can.

• I wish that you will feel connected to a higher power and purpose that transcends your earthly existence, and which gives you peace for what’s beyond just here and now.

And you know what? After I wrote those things… I ran out of things to write.

It was in wishing these things for her, that I realized these were the keys to a successful life for me. Vitality, loving relationships, a safe home, ways to spend my time that were purposeful, and a connection to a higher power...

Now, I realize that success will look and feel different to all of us. I also realize my privilege in these being the only things that I wish for. And yet, I do think there is a bigger truth here — in many ways, we all wish for the same things, we all define success in eerily similar ways, so the sooner we realize this, the sooner we activate the magnetic north on our life compass, unshackle ourselves from the achievement treadmill, and make our way to the trailhead to a successful life.

So that leaves me with just one question…

How do you define what living a “Successful life” means to you?

If you need a few thought starters to drop into this journaling exercise, consider asking yourself, what would I wish for the person I love most in this world? Or perhaps, when I am 90 years old and looking back on my life, what will I be most proud of?

I’m so eager to hear what you come up with. I hope you will tell me. You know where to find me.

Xx.