“All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.”

Context

The Five Principles of Parenting by Aliza Pressman is hands-down the best books I’ve read in a long time. I loved it so much, I’ve written about it here and here and here. But today, I was reminded again, of just how dang good it is.

Charlie, my daughter, is just about 10 months old. It’s very clear to me that she’s starting to really understand my direction — what makes me happy, and what makes me unhappy. As an example, when she does a behavior, let’s say putting a block in a bin, I get her to repeat that behavior by celebrating it “Yay! Way to go Charlie.” On the other hand, when she does something I don’t like, for example trying to stick her finger in a socket, I get her to stop in her tracks by saying with a firm voice “Charlie, no. That is dangerous.” Now, that doesn’t stop her from repeating the action of trying to stick her finger in the socket, but as I continue to say “Charlie, no. That is dangerous.” it continues to stop her in her tracks.

I share this because it is truly interesting once you become a parent to see how your child develops, and it is so clear to you that they “just get it” one day. Whether that’s something more physical-developmental, like crawling, standing, or walking OR something more emotional-developmental, like responding to positive and negative cues.

Okay, sharing all that as context for what’s coming next.

After dinner, I give Charlie a bath, after bath time, I give her a bottle, snuggle, and then she goes down for bed. She LOVES bottle time. She is a hungry, growing girl, after all! We’re very good about this routine, so much so, that she’s conditioned to expect a bottle right after her bath. And let me tell you what, she makes it known! Every night, between bath and pajamas, I have to wrestle her into her diaper and pajamas, while she fights me, literally kicking and screaming, which she stops instantly upon receiving her bottle.

I used to deal with this, saying to myself “This is just Charlie, she’s hangry.” and cooing at her “It’s okay little mama, it’s okay.” while simultaneously changing her as fast as I could, so I could get her a bottle and so she would stop crying.

This week, while wresting my kicking and screaming daughter into her pajamas, I was reminded of Dr. Aliza Pressman’s calming voice saying to me “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” and I decided to try a new approach:

In a firm voice, I looked at Charlie, placed my hand over her heart (which apparently has a calming affect, per Dr. Pressman) and said out loud while making eye contact with her “Charlie, all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. What you’re doing is not acceptable. I am showing my love for you by putting on your diaper and pajamas, and you are fighting me about it, that’s not acceptable. You can feel however you want to feel, but you are not allowed to behave this way.” and the craziest thing happened… I swear to you, it’s like “she just got it.” She stopped kicking and screaming, she started sucking her thumb, and she patiently waited for me to complete my task, so she could get her bottle.

Could it be a fluke? Perhaps! But is the story still relevant… Yes! Here’s why:

Applying this Idea

In life, business, relationships, etc. we all encounter situations that give us FEELINGS. Big ones sometimes. Sometimes we get such big feelings we want to rip our hair out, hit our head on the wall, send an email we will regret, pick a fight with our spouse because we had a tough day at the office, be short with our kid because we had a tough day with our spouse, say something we don’t mean to our mom because of a pipe that burst in our basement… FEELINGS. Am I right?

And guess what? Sometimes it’s not even our feelings we’re managing. We’re managing other people and their feelings! And they might be having BIG FEELINGS about a situation.

Here’s what I want to remind you of: Whether it’s you OR them:

“All feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not.”

Having a FEELING yourself?

Go for a walk, process that feeling, ask yourself “Why am I feeling this feeling?” Go through the mental exercise of letting yourself respond to that feeling with the behavior you want to do right now (because of how [crummy] that feeling is making you feel). Now ask yourself “Why do I want to behave this way?” and think about the potential repercussions of behaving that way. Now, take a few deep breaths, maybe even go on a walk... When you’re ready (and again, it doesn’t have to be now, perhaps it’s after a good night’s sleep, a full breakfast and a cup of coffee), call forward your highest self… Remind her, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.” And now ask her, “How do we want to handle this situation?” And see what she thinks you should do. Come up with a few different ideas of how you’d like to respond. Weigh the pros and cons. Write them out if it’s helpful. Finally, make a decision on how you are going to respond, and then take the action.

Helping someone else through a FEELING?

Let them know you see them for their feelings. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by a feeling, heck there’s probably very good reason they are! (If it’s your child, consider putting your hand on their heart to calm them, kids have really big feelings and they very much feel like those feelings are in the body. You could even ask them to show you where in their body they are feeling their feeling). Then, remind them of what you know about them, when they are operating as their highest self. Let them know you believe in them and trust their ability to take action from that place, even when it’s hard. Ask if they want to share with you how they would like to react if there were no repercussions for their actions, if they choose to share this, also ask them what they think the consequences of those actions would be, should they actually act in that way. Remind them that you are a safe space for them and thank them for sharing authentically, you can remind them now that “all feelings are welcome, but all behaviors are not, and while sometimes we feel compelled to act a certain way, it is not in our best interest to actually do so, as it will not get us the results we want, and it will likely have repercussions that we don’t want to deal with.” After giving this coaching and having given them space and time to process their feeling, ask them next, “What do you want out of this?” When they’ve shared what they want to accomplish, ask them to call forward their highest self, and ask them to come up with a few different ideas for ways they can get what they want, with a behavior that is acceptable. Encourage them to write it out if it’s helpful, weighing the pros and cons. Finally, ask them if they need help making a final decision on how they are going to respond, and then encourage them to take the action.

Conclusion

Whether you are a first time parent managing a kiddo, a wife managing a husband, a daughter managing a parent, a people leader managing a team, or anything in between, here’s what I know for sure… EVERY SINGLE DAY you and everyone around you has FEELINGS! And whether it’s us managing ourselves or the people around us, all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

When you are dealing with a big feeling or helping someone else deal with one, create space to feel it all the way, and when you are ready, call forward your highest self, and have them help you choose the behavior you want to move forward with based on what you are trying to accomplish, and what is most likely to get you there.

You got this!