How to Set Boundaries
Preamble
Boundaries are not something that come so easy to me. Maybe it’s because I am a Pisces and that would mean I don’t like confrontation.
When I took my daughter, Charlie, to the pediatrician for the first time, I learned that during the first 8 weeks of an infant’s life, it is incredibly important to keep them healthy — Pertussis (Whooping Cough) or a simple Flu, while nothing for an adult’s immune system, could mean an ER visit, a ventilator, brain damage, or worse, death for an infant. If you are as shocked by this as I was, you’re not alone.
What?!
All this time, I thought I was being a supportive friend reaching out to my pals with newborns asking “when can I come meet the baby?” in many cases, met with vague responses, which now make so much sense.
In becoming a parent myself, I’ve had to reckon with my desire to people please and my desire to set rigid boundaries with who can and cannot meet the baby (and what conditions must be met when they do — like being healthy, etc).
If you’re looking for a few ideas to inspire you and help you set boundaries as a people-pleaser, I wrote some down for you.
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Four Questions to ask Yourself to Help You Set Boundaries as a People-Pleaser
How would I feel if I compromised on this boundary, and the thing I didn’t want to happen happened?
Let’s play out my scenario, someone I love asks to come see the baby, and I share the boundary that we’ve decided is important to us in order to feel comfortable with the meeting, and they are not willing to meet the boundary. Do we facilitate the visit? Let’s say we do, and then baby gets really, really sick. Would I be able to forgive myself? No way! Okay, so then I have my answer. Hold the boundary, despite how much I do want my loved one to meet my baby.
What do I want even more?
Taking the scenario above, I ask myself two questions: “What do I want?” Well, I want for my loved one to meet my baby. “What do I want even more?” I want a healthy baby, that is fever and ailment free for at least the first 8 weeks of her life considering the guidance of our doctor… and unfortunately, these two desires are at odds. Therefore, I have to go with what I want even more — a healthy baby!
If the shoe were on the other foot, and I was on the receiving end of a boundary, how would I like to be told in a way that would feel respectful and I would understand clearly the boundary of the other person?
Okay, so knowing that I need to communicate this boundary to my loved one, how do I put it in a way that is clear, specific, and respectful to them, while also keeping me whole? There’s no right way, but trying for a moment to put the shoe on the other foot — so-to-speak, I can come up with a way to verbalize my needs that comes across the way I intend for it to, from a place of love and respect.
Before you communicate the boundary, ask yourself: “How do I feel energetically?” Once you have communicated the boundary, ask yourself: How do I feel about how that went?
If you are anything like me (again, Pisces, people-pleaser), you’re probably quite anxious about communicating your boundary with your loved one, that’s okay, any people-pleaser would be! That said, when you check in afterwards, my guess is you’ll feel a big sigh of relief knowing that you held your boundary and your decision has aligned to your inner compass, despite the temptation to abandon it.
I hope you enjoyed this read and I truly hope it helps you keep any important boundaries in your life, as difficult as doing so might be!
Xo,
Stef
