How Not to Gossip
Relationships Rooted in Respect
When I was little my mom would always say, “Talk about things, not people.” And if I slipped into saying something unkind about someone else, she’d cut me off with, “Let’s change the subject, they’re not here to defend themselves.”
High school me hated this. Nothing kills a piping hot gossip session with your friends faster than your mom parachuting in with moral authority. But adult me? I try to carry that advice everywhere, and when I don’t, I always regret it.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never once felt good after gossiping. Instead, I get what I call a gossip hangover, an icky mix of regret and anxiety that clings long after the conversation ends, and that tortures me in the form of rumination when I can’t sleep. The best solution I’ve found? Just don’t do it in the first place.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. Gossip is sticky. It’s entertaining, it’s everywhere, and if I’m being honest, sometimes you want to indulge. It’s like that decadent treat you keep in your freezer for “rainy days” but always wake up the next morning feeling awful about the poor decision you made.
As I raise my daughters, I think often about the person I want to be around them—and the kind of women I want them to grow into, I think about my mom’s wise words and what Donna Langley, one of the most successful women in Hollywood, says: “Take the high road, there’s less traffic there.” and I know that this is advice I’ll be passing down (and enforcing while they are under my roof).
Here are some of the ideas I will nudge them towards instead:
How to Take the High Road
Here’s how to break the gossip pattern when it creeps in:
Avoid the circle. If you know a group is prone to gossip, don’t put yourself in the middle of it. Avoiding it altogether is the quickest way out of the toxic gossip spiral.
Check your emotions. Notice how you feel before stepping into a conversation. If you’re already anxious about what might be said, give yourself a plan for when the gossip comes up, could you redirect or shift the subject in a way that feels authentic to your character and interests? If not, could you excuse yourself so you don’t feel the need to participate?
Flip the script with curiosity. Instead of feeding into the gossip, ask questions that elevate the conversation around that person from a place of empathy… “That sounds really tough for her. How do you think she’s really doing?” or “What might be going on behind the scenes for him?” Curiosity will shift the intial focus from judgment to empathy, and then you can drive the energy of the group to a new topic.
Be the role model. Lead by example by offering up non-gossip topics. Consider sharing something uplifting, funny, or even a personal story instead (IMO some self-deprecating humor is always okay! lol). Tell a quick story about your own life, something your kids did that made you laugh, or a project you’re excited about. When you fill the silence with something good, you leave less room for the bad.
Zoom out. Remember: the people who gossip with you likely gossip about you. When you picture yourself as the subject, it’s easier to see why the high road is worth taking. If you don’t feel comfortable trying any of the above, be silent and remember this last nugget of advice. My guess is that the next time, you will feel far more prepared to give 1-4 a try.
You will never regret taking the high road and the people who love you will be grateful to meet you there.
Recipe for Success: Take the High Road
Ingredients: Self-awareness. Empathy. Curiosity. Courage.
How to Make: Pause. Redirect. Ask better questions. Share something uplifting instead.
Result: A clear mind, lighter heart, and relationships rooted in respect—not regret.
