How to Get to Know Yourself
How I Stopped Avoiding Myself and Started Loving the Person I Am
When I was younger, I was mean to myself. Not in the obvious way, not out loud where anyone else could hear, but in the quiet space between my own two ears. That’s where the real damage happened.
Back then, spending time alone felt like a prison sentence. I avoided it like the plague. I overbooked myself. I chased attention, picked fights, spiraled. Anything to avoid sitting with me in the silence.
But that silence? That space? It’s where I eventually found the real me—and as I’ve grown up and grown into her, I’ve really started to love her.
My Turning Point
When I moved in with my husband, Ronnie, he called me out (like he always does). He noticed how uncomfortable I was being alone and challenged me to change that—for two reasons: he loves me most, and he loves his snowmobiling and fishing trips second most, and wanted to get away with his buddies without the drama that I would naturally stir up when he left.
His wise ass saw something I hadn’t yet: that I didn’t know how to be with myself. And it was that challenge—“get comfortable hanging out with you”—that became a turning point in my life, marriage, and career. Not an overnight transformation, but the beginning of a slow, steady journey toward the space between my ears becoming my own happiest and safest place.
What Helped Me Get to Know Myself
This isn’t a checklist. It’s a collection of tools, reflections, and practices that helped me soften toward myself and start building a real relationship with me.
For me, it started with reading books—one in particular that was a bit harsh, but only because it was so honest.
Unf*ck Yourself by Gary John Bishop forced me to become aware of what was happening in the space between my ears—to tune into my daily 50K+ thoughts. It showed me how often I was operating on autopilot, reacting instead of observing, letting an unproductive self-narrative guide decision-making, pretending that my internal thoughts and external actions were in lockstep. More than anything, this book taught me to tune in, observe my thoughts and behaviors like a third-party observer, and start calling myself out on my patterns.
Next, I turned to Personality & Self-Awareness Tools
Once I’d become a keen observer of me, I got curious about me. Why was I the way I was? What was driving me? How come I was great at some things but really struggled with others? To better understand my own modus operandi, I turned to personality assessments—and since I get kind of obsessive, I think I’ve pretty much taken every one that exists. These were the most insightful ones, as they gave me language for things I’d always felt but couldn’t explain:
Myers-Briggs & StrengthsFinder. These showed me how I naturally fit into the world—and what’s special about my contribution. They helped me understand what I was naturally good at, but also the things that I wasn’t naturally good at. They encouraged me to lean further into my strengths and reminded me that it was okay to have natural weaknesses.
Kolbe Index. This helped me understand my approach to problem-solving—and why I am great at getting things started (better than most), extremely data-driven, and yet quick to abandon ideas. Understanding this aspect of myself empowered me to stop shaming myself for abandoning ideas, projects, or paths that weren’t serving my authentic code, and instead start identifying the areas where I naturally followed through with things and understanding the throughlines there.
Enneagram. The most revelatory aspect of this assessment was revealing how I show up when I’m grounded, safe, and in alignment versus who I become when I get pulled out of my own gravity. It allowed me to catch patterns, people, and environments that triggered the worst versions of myself—enabling me, in some instances, to avoid those people and environments, or in other instances, to go into those situations prepared for how I knew they would make me feel so I could maintain my gravity and walk away feeling whole and like my authenticity was steady and uncompromised.
Then I found To Be Magnetic (TBM)—and I was ready for deeper self-work.
Once I’d become an observer of me and learned to appreciate me (flaws and all) through the resources above, I found To Be Magnetic at a time when I was open to and willing to go into the depths of my brain—to revisit some really traumatic experiences and uncover memories that were guiding me to live a sometimes performative lifestyle, as opposed to an authentic one.
TBM’s community is all about helping you reconnect with your whole, worthy self that you were brought into this world as—before societal shame, pain, and programming became hardened layers on top of that core and guided your worldview and behavior.
Deep Imaginings. These helped me connect with and heal my inner child, while uncovering old memories and beliefs I didn’t realize were shaping my behavior.
Authentic Code Exercise. This helped me distinguish between what I truly desire vs. what society or Instagram told me to want.
The How to Manifest Process. This helped me discover which goals, desires, and manifestations were true to my soul’s essence vs. performative interests shaped by pain, shame, and programming.
All These Tools Informed My Daily(ish) Journaling
Journaling became my place to process—uncensored. I let ideas, words, self-love, and self-loathing flow out of my head and onto the pages. Then I started reading my entries back like they were written to me by my best friend.
When I saw how harsh she was being with me, I realized that if I couldn’t be kind to myself, there was no world where anyone else would treat me with kindness either.
As I journaled, I tried a new question: If my best friend told me this about herself, would I let her talk to herself like this?
That reframe changed everything. And over time, I started letting me be my own best friend—caring, kind, truthful, and willing to pitch in and problem-solve, be a shoulder to cry on, or give me a kick in the butt when I needed it.
Bringing My Authentic Essence Off the Page and Into My Alone Time
Listen, this has been a more-than-decade-long journey, and every time I think I am “done,” I find new mirrors, new triggers, new ways to keep growing. So while I don’t imagine this is your shortcut to perfected inner peace, I do hope these resources guide you to a more self-loving lifestyle.
Outside of recommending the resources I mentioned above (which I do), here are some other ideas for how you can start getting to know you—and actually embracing the precious, incredible time you get to spend with yourself.
Getting to know yourself doesn’t always look like deep emotional labor. Sometimes it looks like playful curiosity. I started keeping running lists in my Notes app like:
“Down With” Lists – Things I’m always “down with,” like going to a stand-up comedy show, getting a pedicure, or having a hot lemon water
“Movies That Make Me Feel Good” – Movies I can watch a gazillion times and never get sick of
“Dream Day With Me” – Like my “Down With” list but more curated—if I have a day to myself: what time do I wake up? Do I work out? What am I having for each meal? Do I have any appointments, or am I letting the day flow?
These lists are just a few ideas, but they gave me a reliable place to return to whenever I had free time and wanted to connect with myself instead of numbing out.
If You’re Just Starting Out…
If you’re just diving into the idea of getting to know yourself, maybe fresh out of college, starting the early years of your career, navigating being a new mom, an empty nester, or anything else for the first time, this is for you.
I used to believe happiness lived in the next milestone. The shiny “you made it” moment.
And listen, those things can feel good—especially if, like me, you're achievement-oriented. But they’re not the whole story. And the peace doesn’t come or last unless it exists within you. And it won’t be within you until you create intentional space to allow inklings of it to come forward—and then nurture its growth with intention, time, and care.
Want to Start Getting to Know You? Try This:
Here are five ways to begin building that connection today:
Start with the resources I shared above → Pick one book, assessment, or journaling prompt. Follow your curiosity.
Create a “Down With” List → List your favorite meals, cozy rituals, ideal mornings, pet peeves, and how you recharge. If this feels tough, act like you’re meeting someone new (who has major best friend potential) for the first time and getting to know them.
Do a “Pattern Catch” Week → For seven days, observe yourself. When do you spiral? Overbook? People-please? Don’t judge—just notice. What is your environment like when these things happen? Who are you around? Are there certain recurrences you notice?
Write an Alone Time Menu → Make a list of 10 things you love doing alone that are fun, comforting, or indulgent. Reach for this when you feel like avoiding yourself.
Write your future self a letter → Describe who she is when she fully knows and loves herself. What lights her up? What grounds her? Revisit this when you need a reminder of who you're becoming.
My Wish for You
I had to walk through a lot of fire to begin this journey. But you don’t have to. You don’t have to wait until burnout or heartbreak forces you to pause. You can start now. Start gently. Start with curiosity.
Because the relationship you have with yourself is the one you carry everywhere. You’ll never be able to outrun yourself—she comes with you everywhere you go. And while you can ignore her as long as you want, the better you know yourself, the better you can build a life that truly fits.
You’re worth getting to know. You’re worth falling in love with.
