Motherhood Is an Extension of Your Identity, Not a Replacement of It
The Narrative I Had to Abandon About Motherhood
When I was pregnant, I kept hearing the same phrase over and over again:
“You are reborn the day your child is born.”
It was everywhere: books, blogs, well-meaning women who’d already crossed the motherhood threshold. And at first, I believed it. I tried to meet this moment like a newborn version of myself—clean slate, wide eyes, ready to re-learn the world. But the more I tried to get to know this “new me,” the more I felt unmoored.
Why was it that becoming a mother require erasing the 32 years I had lived before? The years I spent becoming someone I actually really liked, a woman full of hard-won lessons, successes, failures, ambition, joy, heartbreak, independence, and endless curiosity.
What I realized in becoming a mom, is that for me, this idea that motherhood replacing your identity wasn’t just outdated, it was harmful. It suggests that to be a good mother, you must surrender the person you’ve spent a lifetime becoming. But I believe the opposite is true: to be a good mother, you must bring your full self to the table, and be willing to let her expand beyond her wildest understanding.
Expanding Into Motherhood
The decision to become a mom was not an easy one for me. It was terrifying. I didn’t necessarily feel “ready.” But when I imagined my life at 90 years old, looking back, I knew I wanted children. I wanted the chaos, the love, the fullness that a life with children brings. I wanted the relationships—not just with my child, but hopefully with their children, too. And it was that vision that grounded me and guided me to begin the journey of trying to become a mom.
Like any children-wanting couple, biology nudged us toward a timeline, and when Ronnie and I got pregnant faster than either of us could have anticipated, we were incredibly grateful… an element of this gratitude was that for both of us, there was no second-guessing. There was just our sweet baby, already on her way.
And yes, when she arrived, motherhood changed me. But not in the way that I thought. I wasn’t “reborn.” Instead, I was expanded.
Through knowing my daughter, loving her, teaching her, and protecting her—I became more of myself, not less. I didn’t start from scratch. I started as a whole, complex woman who now had a new, overwhelming love to hold and to treasure. A new heart to care for alongside my own.
Motherhood has stretched my capacity for joy, for fear, for tenderness. It’s demanded that I believe in possibility—not just for you, but for my daughter, because here’s the thing, you can’t model a world of dreams and ambition for your babies if you stopped believing in those same things for yourself. So loving your children means you have to double down on your own dreams, too.
My Wish for Any Woman Standing on the Edge
If you’re reading this and you’re thinking one day you might want to take the leap into motherhood, here’s what I want you to know:
You are not erased the day your child is born.
You are not starting over.
You are not a blank slate.
You are a work of art—unfinished and ever-evolving.
And what’s more: you are also the artist.
Motherhood doesn’t strip away your identity. It adds new layers and gorgeous colors to your already beautiful canvas. It will force you to confront who you are, who you want to be, and how you want your child to see the world—and see you in it.
If you choose this path, do it not because you’re “ready.” None of us are, not really. Do it because you have a vision for a full life, one that includes the complexity of parenting alongside the richness of being wholly, wonderfully, expansively you. Do it because learning to love your child brings new depths of love upon yourself, those who raised you, and all of those around you who are also on their own parenting journey.
Motherhood is not a rebirth. It’s an expansion. And it’s one of the most breathtaking transformations you’ll ever live through—not because it changes who you are, but because it shows you just how much more you’ve always been capable of.
