Dr Aliza Pressman’s Five R’s of Relationships Recipe
I can’t stop talking about Five Principles of Parenting by Dr Aliza Pressman. Probably because I thought I was reading a parenting book, and instead, I realized I was reading a book that was up-leveling me in every single way — as a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, people leader, and business woman.
The book starts with the Five R’s of Parenting: Relationships, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, Repair. Embracing these parenting R’s more often than not leads to resilient kids. But as soon as I read through them, all I could do was think about the ways they apply to all of my relationships, and yours too! Here they are, with short, accompanying descriptions:
Relationship — The presence of one loving, supportive, stable, adult. Research shows that when the primary care-giver was responsive just over 50% of the time, kids reap the benefits of having the relationship they need to give them a foundation upon which they can build trust and therefore become resilient.
Reflection — The ability for contemplative self-reflection. Reflection evokes agency, with agency we can reflect on the self, creating the psychological ability to notice one’s options, and engage in accordance with their goals, when we reflect with our children, we can talk through our own goal-directed problem solving to help them build their own executive function and capacity to do the same.
Regulation — The ability for intentional self-regulation. Self-regulation is the capacity to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause choose the response towards which we want to throw our weight.
Rules — Modeling the behaviors we want to see in our children, including boundaries and limits. Boundaries are the rules one has for oneself and the things that happen to them interpersonally; limits are the rules that refer to unacceptable behaviors.
Repair — Spontaneous and intentional processes for humans to mend relationships within themselves and others. This isn’t about fixing mistakes that should have never happened. This is about repairing ruptures as soon as we become aware of them in ways that are warm, empathetic, curious, and/or playful depending on what the moment calls for. Rupture + repair + time = Healing.
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After introducing the Five R’s, Dr. Aliza Pressman goes on to incorporate them into real-life scenarios, for example:
You are trying to get out the door for an important event for your dear friend, and your child is refusing to put their coat and shoes on. You raise your voice at them, things escalate, now they are crying, you are even more late than you were before, you finally get them in the car, and on the drive over to the event, you start feeling bad (Reflection). Why? Your kiddo (Relationship) not putting their coat on wasn’t the real issue… It was the stress of work, getting out the door, compounded by the fact that pride yourself in never being late, and now, here you are, rolling up late to be there for someone who is very important to you (Rules). With a moment to breathe, think about your actions, and how they weren’t in line with the kind of parent you try to be more often than not (Regulation), you pull into the parking lot for the event, get your kiddo out of the car and give them a big hug and apologize (Repair). “Mommy is so sorry for raising her voice at you, you see it’s really important to me that I support my friends and family and part of doing that is arriving on time to the things that are very important to them, when you refused to put on your coat, it made me unhappy because I knew it would make us late to this very important event.”
Now, tell me this story isn’t relatable to pretty much every relationship you have in life?
How many times have you and your spouse had the same version of this fight, but as adults? IDK about you, but Ronnie thinks I always take too long to get ready.
Ever been short with your mom after she neglects to remember that you have an important thing for work, and guilt trips you about not being available for, what to you, feels like a relatively unimportant social obligation?
What about your boss? Ever call them about a situation that had you completely overwhelmed, and said some things maybe you shouldn’t have about the broader organization or culture?
How about your direct reports? Ever feeling overwhelmed by something else and instead of showing up as the leader you pride yourself in being, you make an error that’s feels like a major withdrawal from the ‘emotional bank account’ you’ve worked so hard to build with this person?
Yeah, me too.
While before, I thought in any of the above scenarios that it was a “me thing,” what I realized in reading this Business Book 😉, was this is very much an ALL OF US thing.
We are all imperfect people, and imperfect people take imperfect actions, which have implications on their relationships (relationships we have with other imperfect people, by the way).
All that said, when we are well-intended in our Relationships, meaning more often than not we try to show up as the kind of (insert role here e.g. mom, wife, leader) person we want to be, we can lean on the other four R’s (Reflection, Regulation, Rules, Repair) to help us through sticky situations and come out in-tact on the other side.
Recommendation: Remember these and come back to them any time you are feeling some sort of way about a relationship with someone else. What do you need to do right now to steer the ship in the right direction?
Reflection — Do you need to take time to reflect on how you goal-directed problem-solve, and then invite the other person into your process, by verbalizing it, so they can understand how you arrived at a solution or next action? Remember, simply by verbalizing your goal-directed problem-solving process, you create the opportunity for the other person to build their own executive function and capacity to do the same in this particular area?,
Regulation — Do you need to give yourself time to breathe and check-in with your nervous system so you have the capacity to pause between stimulus and response, and in that pause choose the response towards which you want to throw your weight?
Rules — Do you need to communicate your boundaries, limits, and/or expectations and how you expect them to be followed? What behaviors do you deem to be acceptable, unacceptable, and what the consequences for behaviors that don’t meet your expectations?
Repair — Have you messed up? If so, acknowledging it goes a long way. The sooner, the better, but it has to be genuine and heart-felt. Anyone can sniff out a fake apology. If you are going to apologize, mean it.
Not sorry? If an apology isn’t the path, that’s okay, but you’ll probably need to communicate a Rule or a Reflection to the other party, so at a bare minimum the two of you have a mutual understanding of the conflict, and/or your thoughts on the conflict. There are times when it’s okay to disagree. There are times when it’s okay to face conflict head on and instead of repairing the past, make a mutual plan for the future. Discuss how to navigate the situation in the future, such that both parties are left more whole next time around.
I’m assuming by now you can see how the Five R’s go so far beyond just parenting principles and can be applied in all of your relationships.
Since reading the book, and in thinking about my relationships through the framework of the Five R’s, I’ve noticed my internal dialogue saying things like “Hmm… This situation calls for Repair.” or “I have to Regulate and Reflect, before I go to this person and we Reflect together and discuss some Rules, so we can establish a mutual plan going forward.”
What do you think? Helpful in life, business, marriage, motherhood, friendship, etc? I hope so!
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