Respond > React > Retaliate: The Three R’s of Emotional Regulation
“Between stimulus and response there lies space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl
In Dealing With Feeling, Dr. Marc Brackett describes emotional regulation as “the ability to use our emotions wisely to achieve our goals.” shout out to Raising Good Humans podcast with Dr. Aliza Pressman, as this is where I first heard him speak on this topic. When you pair Brackett’s insights with Frankl’s timeless reminder, you get a new superpower: the power to pause, to choose, and to move closer to the person you want to be.
But in the heat of the moment, in the midst of big and loud emotions, we don’t always access that superpower. Instead, we tend to fall into one of three patterns: retaliate, react, or respond. Let’s dig in on each.
The Three R’s Defined
Since it might not be immediately obvious how these R’s show up, here’s how I’ve personally seen (and stumbled through) them:
Retaliate
What it looks like: Sting, force, hurt.
Outcome: Feels powerful in the moment, but erodes trust and love.
Cooking metaphor: Pouring water on an oil fire.
React
What it looks like: Raw, authentic emotion—tears, anger, frustration, laughter.
Outcome: Sometimes necessary and honest, but unpredictable.
Metaphor: Releasing steam from a pressure cooker.
Respond
What it looks like: Pause, digest, choose.
Outcome: Requires restraint, but yields growth and safety.
Metaphor: Tending a simmering pot, steady heat, stirring, and patience until it’s ready.
Where We Default vs. Where We Aspire
When I first read about the Three R’s, I felt like I’d been handed a mirror. With certain people (*ahem* the ones who trigger me in the same way over and over), my instinct is to retaliate, though I wish it weren’t. In professional settings, I’m more likely to react or respond, because I’ve seen how thoughtfulness leads to career growth and better interactions with colleagues.
You probably have your own split: your default mode (how you instinctively show up when triggered) and your aspirational mode (how you wish you showed up every time).
For me, simply having this framework has been a huge unlock. It’s become a filter for my words, a checkpoint that slows me down just enough to consider the damage they might do before they leave my mouth. Awareness alone doesn’t guarantee perfection, but it creates a pause, and in that pause lies our choice.
How to Strengthen the “Response Muscle”
I’m still very much a practitioner here, but here are three steps I’ve adapted from Dr. Brackett’s work.
Step 1: Create Space (The Strategy Wheel)
Dr. Brackett offers a tool called the strategy wheel. In classrooms, it’s literally a wheel-of-fortune-style spinner kids use to pick an activity when they’re flooded with big feelings. For adults, it can be as simple as a note on your phone with a list of go-to strategies. Mine includes: Take a walk, have a snack, do some deep breathing, take a shower, listen to music, cook a meal. The point isn’t which activity you choose, it’s that you’ve pre-decided on healthy outlets so you don’t have to invent them in the middle of a meltdown.
Step 2: Clarify the Outcome
Once you’ve bought yourself space, ask: What’s the outcome I want here? What does it look like to take responsibility for my emotions while acknowledging the other person’s capacity? What are three possible courses of action, and how will I feel about each tomorrow? This last question is powerful because it lets you imagine the satisfaction (or regret) of each path before you take it.
Step 3: Choose Your Response
Now you’re ready to respond. Not perfectly, not free of emotion, but with intention. You can still acknowledge your feelings, but you’re steering the energy. Every time you choose to respond instead of react or retaliate, you create positive ripples: trust deepens, communication improves, ultimately your relationships strengthen. It’s not about perfection. It’s about practice.
Final Encouragement
I’ve retaliated. I’ve reacted. And I’ve regretted both. But when I’ve responded, I’ve felt grounded, aligned, and proud of myself.
That’s why Respond > React > Retaliate is one of my guiding mantras. It’s the road less traveled, but it’s also the road that leads to freedom, growth, and the kind of love and connection worth passing down.
So the next time you’re triggered, pause. Spin your strategy wheel. Remember your goals. Then respond.
Recipe for Success: Choosing to Respond
What you’ll need: self-awareness, a generous pause, grounding activities from your strategy wheel, and some perspective (what future-you will thank you for).
How to make:Take a pause and step away from the heat. Try one activity from your strategy wheel to let the big feelings settle. Ask yourself what outcome you truly want. Weigh your options, and choose the response that moves you closer to your goals, preserves connection, and reduces tomorrow’s emotional hangover.
How to enjoy: Notice how the ripple effect unfolds… calmer conversations, stronger trust, deeper self-respect. Repeat as often as needed. The recipe gets easier with practice.
