The Three H’s of Loving Support: Helped, Heard, or Hugged
Sometimes the hardest part of being a supportive partner isn’t wanting to help, it’s knowing how to help. In his book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg shares a simple, actionable framework that has exponentially improved my ability to be a good partner, friend and colleague. It’s so simple that I’ve not forgotten it and it’s become a staple in my own life that I come back to time and time again. To explain it, let me set up a few scenes for you:
Your child has been wronged, and you’re torn up with big emotions, processing it all with your partner. My guess is what you want in that moment is help… someone to strategize, plan, and problem-solve alongside you.
Let’s say you ’re in the middle of a storm at work. You’ve already run through the pros and cons in your head a dozen times for how you want to navigate the storm, but you feel the need to talk it out loud with someone who will listen. Chances are, what you’re really looking for is to be heard.
And then there are the moments of raw grief, when you’re sobbing after losing someone you deeply love. Words and advice don’t matter—you just need to feel. What you want most is a hug.
Just reading those scenarios, you can probably feel how the right kind of support changes everything in how you would feel supported by someone else. Well guess what? The people you love want the same kind of support from you.
So how do you know and give the right support when it matters most?
Most of us have a default mode. For me, it’s problem-solving. Got grief? Let me fix it. Work storm? I’ve got ideas! But the truth is, when the kind of support I’m offering doesn’t line up with the kind of support my partner, friend, or colleague actually needs, it doesn’t feel helpful at all. Our energies are misaligned, and my “hero mode” problem-solving can do more harm than good.
So here’s the framework that changed everything for me: Helped, Heard, or Hugged.
These days, when I’m the “rock” for someone going through it (whatever it is), instead of jumping straight into my instinctive problem-solving response, I pause and ask something like:
“Hey, if it were me, I’d probably just want to talk this through and figure out my own approach. But that might not be what you need. What looks like help for you? For example: Do you want me to help you with ideas, just hear you out, or would a big ol’ hug do the trick today?”
Nine times out of ten, their answer gives me clarity and gets them exactly what they need, faster and with far more ease for both of us.
For the record, while this has done wonders in my marriage, it isn’t just for romantic relationships. I’ve got friends and colleagues who are big verbal processors. Once I started introducing them to the three H’s, we both realized how often they just needed to vent. When I know they’re looking to be heard, the pressure lifts. I don’t have to fix anything. I just get to listen intentionally and offer perspective when invited. They leave lighter, and I leave feeling like I showed up in a way that mattered.
That’s the beauty of this little tool. It’s simple, memorable, and adaptable. The next time someone you care about is navigating something big, or the next time you are, resist the urge to jump straight into your default mode. Instead, ask the magic question:
“Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?”
And then offer the support that is needed or more deliberately ask for the support that you need. It’s one small shift that can turn tough moments into deeper connections.
Recipe for Success: Helped, Heard, Hugged
What you’ll need: an open heart, a trusted partner, patience, The three H’s: Helped, Heard, Hugged
How to make: Pause before defaulting to your usual response. Ask the question: “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?” Follow their lead and show up in the way they need most.
How to enjoy: Notice the ease and alignment that comes when support matches the need. Savor the deeper trust, intimacy, and connection this creates. Repeat often.
