Boundaries Don’t Make You Difficult, They Make You Dependable
Adulthood is a series of decades all strung together where everything feels like it’s happening all at once. You’re building friendships, navigating your career, falling in love (maybe more than once), learning who you are, and learning what you’re not. Then once you think you’ve got a handle on it all, you get married, have babies, switch careers, lose a loved one, or all of the above. Needless to say, it’s a full, emotional, electric time.
In the middle of all that living, there’s a skill that will protect your peace, strengthen your relationships, and bring you closer to the life you actually want: Boundaries.
To me, part of a life well-lived is understanding boundaries, not as walls, not as punishments, and certainly not as ways of keeping people out, but as a commitment to honoring who you are, the incredible, wonderful, whole, worthy, and deserving, you.
Boundaries Are Not About Controlling Others
They’re about telling the truth: “This is what I need to feel safe, healthy, respected, and myself.” Good people, the right people, won’t be offended by this. The people who love you will adjust. And the people who won’t adjust were never meant for the center of your life.
Boundaries Make You Dependable
People misunderstand this all the time. Clear boundaries don’t make you difficult, they make you dependable (Thanks, Ari Ferwerda for the inspiration!). When your friends know you don’t drink, they don’t drag you to the bar. When people know you put your phone away at 9, they don’t expect replies after 9. When a partner knows you hate raw fish, they don’t take you on a sushi date (just so we’re clear, I love raw fish).
Boundaries teach others how to take care of you, how to show up for you, and how NOT to show up for you. They remove confusion. They build trust.
Boundaries Are a Filter
Over your lifetime, you’ll meet many people. Some will stay, some won’t. This is normal. Boundaries help you sort your life, not by force, but by clarity. The friends, bosses, and partners who can honor your boundaries will feel easy, aligned... In their presence, you will feel like you can expand to your fullest self.
On the other hand, the ones who push, ignore, or belittle your boundaries will bring friction. In their presence, you will feel constricted, like you can’t take a full, deep, life-giving breath. Believe that friction. It’s a sign.
Worry less about sorting which people stay and which go, instead let time pass, check in with your energy around the people in your life, and let them sort themselves out by how they respond to your truth.
Boundaries Help You Become Who You Are
A boundary is simply a statement of self-love. It’s a quiet promise you make to yourself that says:
“I don’t abandon myself to make others comfortable.”
“I don’t explain myself to people committed to misunderstanding me.”
“I don’t shrink my needs to keep the peace.”
Your boundaries shape your life just as much as your dreams do.
In Your Friendships
Look for friends who listen when you say “I can’t tonight” or “That doesn’t feel right for me.” Surround yourself with the people who root for your growth and your peace, not your compliance to their agenda.
Remember that you do not have to overextend yourself to be loved. You do not have to compromise your peace for their approval. Real friends hold and respect you, your needs, your time, and your energy with the same love and high regard as you hold theirs.
In Your Career
You can be ambitious and warm, powerful and kind, you can be incredible at what you do, extremely hard-working, and dependable AND hold boundaries around your work.
Whether it’s your time, emotional labor, or integrity, you get to choose what you are willing to give, and what you are not willing to give. You are allowed to protect your time, your rest, your creativity. You are allowed to work hard, and rest hard.
In Love
Someone who truly loves you will want you to feel safe. They will care about your boundaries because they care about you. If someone makes you feel guilty for having needs, pay attention. If someone consistently honors your boundaries, pay attention to that too. Compatibility is as much chemistry as it is mutual respect for each other. Your needs matter. Their needs matter. Your relationship’s needs matter.
Remember This
Boundaries aren’t punishing, they are loving.
Self-love is holding your own boundaries in high regard.
Loving others is holding theirs with the same high regard you hold your own.
And as difficult as it may be to read this, the only person to blame for your own self-abandonment is you.
The world will tell you to be flexible, easygoing, unbothered. And there’s beauty in that lightness, that flexibility, but it’s up to you to determine when the price of your peace is no longer worth what you’ll receive in return.
You deserve relationships that feel safe, careers that feel fulfilling, and a life that feels like yours. Let your boundaries guide you there, and be a sieve that filtering out what’s not meant for you.
You teach people how to treat you. And you show them how by how you treat yourself.
