Book Notes from How to Stay In Love by James Sexton

💝 Overall Summary

I really enjoyed this book by James Sexton, a successful divorce attorney. The book is written less as a “How To” and more of a “How Not To” … basically, the advice he would give to couples seeking to stay out of his office.

As someone who hopes to never be in an office like his, I am always seeking out new ideas on how to strengthen my marriage and new tools for guiding us through turbulent times. Every marriage has its ups and downs and seasons. Being okay with that, and staying committed through that is important.

When I think about my biggest takeaway from How to Stay in Love it’s this: marriage isn’t something you “set and forget.” It’s a living system that needs to be reimagined and renegotiated as you grow.

The happiest couples treat their relationship like a shared project: they get clear on what they want, communicate those wants honestly, and pay attention… to each other, to themselves, and to the seasons of life they’re in. You can love someone deeply and still argue, evolve, or need new boundaries; the goal isn’t to avoid friction, it’s to stay curious about who you both are becoming and staying curious about the inevitable friction, empathetic to the other’s point of view on it, and re-negotiating the terms based on something that feels like it is mutual and guides you both individually, as a married entity, and as a family unit (these are the four distinct ‘living organisms’ that are part of married life together) in the direction you want things to head.

It’s about defining what happy actually means in your marriage, because, yes, you get to define that (laughter, dinners, safety, companionship, and romance) and intentionally choosing how to keep all of that alive alongside all the other demands and joys of life.

What follows are my notes from the book, summarized by ChatGPT into themes and three bullets per theme.

💍 Marriage as a Living Contract

Renegotiate every seven years. Marriage is a “technology” — a system that needs updating as people evolve. Couples should revisit their shared goals, roles, and definitions of happiness regularly.
Each chapter of marriage is its own “mini-marriage.” What works pre-kids won’t work post-kids; adapt rather than assume continuity.
Marriage isn’t “hard work” — it’s about paying attention: noticing, listening, touching, engaging.

🧠 Self-Awareness and Clarity

Many marriages falter because partners can’t articulate what they want. Clarity about your needs, desires, and goals is essential.
Ask: Would I sign up for me right now? Reflect on who you’ve become and whether you’re living in alignment with your values.
Every day, you can choose to be someone new — reinvention is a superpower. Don’t wait for divorce to rediscover who you are.

🪞 Partnership Dynamics

You marry “who they were before” — stay conscious of how both partners have changed and occasionally re-inhabit the earlier versions that sparked love.
Ask: Who is my partner? What do they need from me right now? What are their goals in this moment?
Make lists of what you loved about each other then and now — it reconnects you to the relationship’s foundation.

💬 Communication & Conflict

Learn how to argue with love. Keep fights issue-specific; don’t stack old resentments.
“Make the holes you dig shallow.” Avoid saying things you can’t unsay.
Remember: You can love someone deeply and still disagree with them.

💸 Practical Maintenance

Update your financial transparency rules yearly: How much can each spend without checking in? What belongs to “ours,” “yours,” and “mine”?
Redefine household roles occasionally — it can build empathy, insight, and fairness.
Consider testing divorce-like parenting splits within marriage to ensure balanced caregiving and personal time.

💕 Intimacy and Affection

Mutual satisfaction — emotional, sexual, logistical — must be explicit. Define what “happy marriage” means in detail (companionship, sex frequency, family dinners, stability, priority, etc.).
Small acts matter more than grand gestures: attention, eye contact, touch, responsiveness.
“Giving more blowjobs won’t hurt your marriage” — humor and effort matter more than rigid ideals.

🧩 Perspective and Acceptance

Marriage means loving the good and the bad. You don’t get to love à la carte.
People cheat or drift when they feel unseen, criticized, or disconnected. Remember: your partner’s affection shapes your self-acceptance.
Don’t perform happiness online — live it offline.

🏠 Environment, Habits & Renewal

It’s easier to change your environment than your brain — set up conditions for connection and peace.
Facebook and performative living are toxic to intimacy.
Keep rediscovering your preferences and identity (e.g., how you decorate, what you love doing) within marriage — don’t wait until after it ends.

🪶 Core Truths

The goal isn’t just to stay married — it’s to stay happily married. “Happy” must be defined by both people.
You can’t prevent and prepare for war at once: act in ways you can stand by if your behavior were cross-examined.
Acceptance and attention — not perfection — are the foundations of lasting love.

🔨 The Marriage Maintenance List: Conversations & Rituals to Keep Love Alive

Long-term love doesn’t thrive on autopilot, it’s a living, evolving thing. Here are some reflective prompts and small rituals to help couples stay connected, curious, and growing together through every season. My two favorite ideas from the list are

"embracing a custody schedule” with the kids; and
making lists about what you loved about the other person when you first met, what you love about them now and having them do the same for you. Then talking about these lists together, from a place of love. What do you love about who they’ve become? What do you miss about who they used to be? Where are their opportunities to blend some of those people and bring them back into the next version of you?

💬 The Big Conversations

Parenting

What activities—both in quantity and in quality—create a rich life for your kids?
What financial assumptions are we making as parents? (College tuition? Weddings? Travel?)
How do we want to divide parenting time and responsibilities so both adults get rest and individuality?

Romance

How often do we want to be intimate or go on dates?
What do we love most about each other right now? What did we love when we first met?
What parts of ourselves have changed—and how can we bring back the qualities we each fell for?

Family Life

What memories do we want to create as our children grow up?
What expectations do we have for them—academically, socially, or personally? (eg. Is college a must in our family culture, or do we value multiple paths?)

Aging & Future Vision

What are our retirement dreams? Where do we want to live later in life?
How do we imagine our roles as grandparents?
What does a “fulfilled next chapter” look like for us individually and as a couple?

🪞 Connection Exercises

Write Your Origin Stories: Capture the moments you tell and retell about your origin as a couple, how you met, your wedding day, funny travel mishaps, the first apartment. These stories are emotional glue.
Revisit Your Marriage Contract: Sit down regularly to ask, “Are we doing okay?” and “Are our roles still working for us?” Think of it as a quarterly marriage check-in.
Define a Happy Marriage: Get specific—how often do you want date nights, time alone, family dinners, intimacy? The more detailed you are, the easier it is to live it.
The “Hit Send Now” Tool: Create a shared note or inbox for moments of frustration. Instead of snapping in the moment, write it down to discuss later when emotions cool.
The Mirror Question: Look yourself in the eye and ask, “Would I sign up for me right now?” It’s a gentle accountability check that keeps both partners evolving.

❤️ Rituals That Keep the Spark

Date Nights: Commit to one or two each month, one low-key weeknight, one weekend night. No logistics talk allowed.
Mini-Love Notes: Leave small notes of appreciation where your partner will find them—on the coffee mug, in the car, on a pillow.
Novelty Matters: Try new places, new routines, or even a playful twist on intimacy. Novelty keeps desire alive.
Shared Freedom: Borrow a “custody schedule” mindset—designate nights when each partner is “off duty” with the kids to recharge or pursue hobbies.
Gratitude Letters: Once a year, write to each other about what you appreciate, what you crave more of, and a favorite shared memory.

🌱 Self-Expansion Keeps Marriage Interesting

You stay interesting to your partner by staying interested in your own life. What is one or more hobbies or passions that you’d be interested in pursuing that would light you up? Join a class, travel, decorate, play, learn. Reinvention isn’t a threat to your marriage; it’s oxygen for it. If it helps think about it this way — let’s say you were to get divorced. You now have lots of free time. They take the kids two weeks and two weekends per month, so you are simply off with no responsibilities other than to yourself and what you choose to spend time on… what hobbies or passions do you pick up? For you? To meet people? Etc. Now ask yourself, could you start one of these things now? And how would doing so actually breathe new life into your marriage?

🧭 Final Thought

The goal here isn’t to stay married; it’s to stay happily married—and “happy” looks different for every couple. Keep redefining it together, one conversation, one note, one ordinary Tuesday at a time.

How to Stay in Love