What Triggers You Is For You
Turning Triggers into Teachers
For a long time, jealousy made me both competitive and resentful. When it showed up, I would put myself in competition with friends or people I admired, not because I disliked them, but because they had something I secretly wanted but hadn’t yet admitted to myself.
Resentment would creep in when I ignored that desire, because as my friend naturally continued to develop herself at the very thing I longed for, the moat between where I was and where I wanted to be only widened. I could see the possibility for myself, but my inaction kept me stuck on the other side.
I wrote about this in my book, the jealousy I felt toward my college roommate and teammate, who was naturally so athletic and powerful. At first, I was jealous of her. I wanted her athletic body, I wanted her ability to read the field, I wanted the attention she got as a result of her work and talent.
But what ended up helping me to the other side of this competitive resentment wasn’t what I expected: It wasn’t me “beating” her, it was actually my coach giving me a different role on the field altogether: her protector. Instead of being pitted against her, I was put in position to support her and make sure that if she went down, I was there to ruck for her. That shift cracked something open for me: Once I committed to my own training, I got my body into the best shape of my life, I made the best mile time on the team... I felt proud, strong, and, most importantly, realized there was more than enough room for both of us to shine. That year, she got Offensive Player of the Year and I got Defensive Player of the Year. There were more than enough accolades to go around.
Rethinking Jealousy
Here’s what I wish someone had told me sooner: jealousy isn’t ugly: Jealousy is perhaps the greatest tool at pointing us in the direction we (sometimes secretly) want to go… it’s a fantastic compass. It’s a mirror reflecting back to you what you secretly want.
If you’re struggling with jealousy, here are three ways to reframe it:
See it as a compass, not a curse. The pang of jealousy is information. It points to a desire that you haven’t given yourself permission to claim yet.
See people as expanders, not competitors. Instead of asking “why them and not me?” try “if they can do it, I can too.” Their success isn’t a threat, it’s proof that you can do it too.
See it as a teacher. Jealousy isn’t criticizing you, it’s a teacher assigning your next lesson. What you feel envious of might just be the very thing you’re meant to grow into next.
What to Do With It
Here’s how I’ve learned to work with it instead of against it:
Notice the trigger. Pause and name the moment of jealousy without judgment.
Ask what it reveals. What does this show me about what I want?
Discern your next move. Is this something I truly want to claim, or something to “parking lot” for later?
Redirect the energy. If it’s a desire you’re ready to claim, let the jealousy fuel action instead of self-loathing.
The Audacity to Follow the Compass
The most liberating shift for me was realizing that what triggers me is for me. Jealousy isn’t a sign that I’m behind or flawed, it’s a signpost pointing me toward who I want to become.
So have the audacity to see jealousy as a compass. Instead of pushing it away, let it guide you. My guess is you’ll get clearer, faster, on what you truly want, AND closer, sooner, to who you’re meant to be.
Recipe for Success: Turning Triggers into Teachers
Ingredients: Jealousy, curiosity, and openness to a new perspective
How to make: Notice it, ask what it’s mirroring back to you, reframe from competitor to expander, and take action
Results: Clarity. Growth. Confidence.
